Quotes from
History of the World: Part I (1981)
Auctioneer:
Where are you from?
Josephus: Ethiopia
Auctioneer: What part?
Josephus: 125th Street.
Count de Monet: Don't get saucy with me, Bernaise.
Dole Office Clerk: Occupation?
Comicus: Stand up philosopher.
Dole Office Clerk: What?
Comicus: Stand up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human existence into a viable and meaningful comprehension.
Dole Office Clerk: Oh, a BULLSHIT artist!
Empress Nympho: Say Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit?
Crowd: Whooooaaaaaaa!
Bob: Well, we could use another wine steward.
Josephus: Hey, I got a great corkscrew.
Crowd: Whoooaaaaaaa!
Josephus: Damn, this a hip crowd!
Marcus Vindictus: Don't you know your right flank from your left flank?
Captain Mucus: I'm sorry sir, I flunked flank.
Marcus Vindictus: You flunked flank? Get the flunk out of here!
Oedipus: [walking around collecting donations] Give to Oedipus! Give to Oedipus! Hey Josephus!
Josephus: Hey, motherfucker!
Swiftus: Oh you are nuts. N-V-T-S - nuts!
Madame DeFarge: We are so poor, we don't even have a language! Just a stupid accent!
Fellow Revolutionist: She's right! We all talk like Maurice Chevalier!
[laughs]
Fellow Revolutionist: Au-haw-haw.
Crowd: Au-haw-haw.
Empress Nympho: [to her litter bearers] Could you *please* step on the same foot at the same time! My tits are falling off!
Empress Nympho: Virgins, put on your "no entry" signs! We are about to confront... guys!
Narrator: And of course, with the birth of the artist came the inevitable afterbirth - the critic.
Empress Nympho: Do I have any openings that this man might fit?
Marcus Vindictus: What bait must I use to catch your love? I am your servant.
Empress Nympho: Ah, but the servant waits, while the master baits.
Comicus: The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation - but I hear that that's coming quickly.
[Condemned for offending Emperor Nero with his stand-up routine]
Comicus: Boy, when you die at the palace, you really DIE at the palace!
King Louis XVI: It's good to be the king!
Count de Monet: It is said that the people are revolting.
King Louis XVI: You said it! They stink on ice!
Plumbing Salesman: Pipe the shit out of your house!
Roman Senator: All fellow members of the Roman senate hear me. Shall we continue to build palace after palace for the rich? Or shall we aspire to a more noble purpose and build decent housing for the poor? How does the senate vote?
Entire Senate: FUCK THE POOR!
Count de Monet: My Lord, you look just like the piss-boy!
King Louis XVI: And you look like a bucket of shit!
Insolent Flunky: Count yer money.
Count de Monet: Count de Monet!
Dole Office Clerk: [to a gladiator] Now listen this is your last week of unemployment insurance, either you kill somebody next week or we're going to have to change your status.
Apostle: Please go away!
Comicus: All right all right! Jesus!
Jesus: Yes?
Miriam: Miracle! Oh, what a beautiful name! What's yours?
Comicus: Miracle. Uh, Comicus. I'm a stand-up philosopher.
Miriam: Oh, I'm Miriam, I'm a vestal virgin.
Comicus: I'm really sorry to hear that.
Narrator: See; Hitler on Ice!
Monk: Let's face it; You can't Torquemada anything!
Dole Office Clerk: I'm sorry, I'm on my wine break.
Oedipus: Donations for the blind?
Josephus: Hey, motherfucker!
Emperor Nero: Wash this!
King Louis XVI: [sniffs cocaine into each nostril] Everything's so green.
Bearnaise: I don't like your cuffs!... I don't like your cuffs! I don't like your cuffs! A man's cuffs should be even with the tip of his 'pee-pee'. Yours are all the way down to your balls!
Count de Monet: At least I have them!
Bearnaise: Bitch!
Monsieur Rimbaud: [falls flat on face] What fool put a carpet on the wall?
Roman Officer: Seize him!
Josephus: [grabs crotch] Seize *this*, honkus!
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