Samantha:
Donger's here for five hours, and he's got somebody. I live here my whole life, and I'm like a disease.
The Geek:
Would you guys please hurry up, I'm breaking like 20 major laws right now.
[Long Duk Dong is dancing with Lumberjack, his head is on her ample chest]
Lumberjack:
What's your last name?
Long Duk Dong:
Dong.
Lumberjack:
What's your first name?
Long Duk Dong:
Long.
Lumberjack:
What's your middle name?
Long Duk Dong:
Duk.
The Geek:
Where am I?
Caroline:
I'll tell you where you are if you tell me who you are.
The Geek:
I'm Farmer Ted.
Caroline:
You're in the parking lot across from my church.
The Geek:
You own a church?
Mike Baker:
She's got her period. Should be an interesting honeymoon, eh?
Jim Baker:
Where do you kids learn all this stuff?
Mike Baker:
School.
Jim Baker:
Good, I'm getting my money's worth.
Ginny:
I love Rudy, and he is totally enamored of me. I mean, other men have loved me, but not for six whole months in a row.
Randy:
Would you stop feeling sorry for yourself? It's bad for your complexion!
Brenda Baker:
Can you remember to turn off the stove in twenty minutes?
Samantha:
I can remember lots of things.
Grandma Helen:
Oh Sam, let me take a look at you. Fred, she's gotten her boobies!
Grandpa Fred:
I better get my magnifying glass! Ha Ha Ha.
Grandma Helen:
Oh, and they are so PERKY!
[reaches to cup them]
Grandma Helen:
[cut to:]
Samantha:
I can't believe my grandmother actually felt me up!
[Caroline is very drunk.]
Caroline:
Who's he?
Jake:
That's me.
Caroline:
Who are you?
Jake:
I'm him.
Caroline:
Oh, ok.
The Geek:
This information cannot leave this room. Ok? It would devastate my reputation as a dude.
Samantha:
No problem.
The Geek:
I've never bagged a babe. I'm not a stud.
The Geek:
Do you know how many times a week I go without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Y'know, any halfway decent girl can rob me blind, because I'm too torqued up to say no.
Samantha:
It's really human of you to listen to all my bullshit.
The Geek:
You know, I'm getting input here that I'm reading as relatively hostile.
Samantha:
Go to hell.
The Geek:
VERY hostile!
Samantha:
I loathe the bus. There has to be a more dignified mode of transportation.
The Geek:
How's it going?
Samantha:
How's what going?
The Geek:
You know - things, life, whatnot.
Samantha:
Life is not whatnot, and it's none of your business.
The Geek:
By night's end, I predict me and her will interface.
The Geek:
So, what's your story? I mean, you got a guy, or... ?
Samantha:
Yes, three big ones, and they lust wimp blood so quit bugging me or I'll sic them all over your weenie ass!
Samantha:
When you don't have anything, you don't have anything to lose. Right?
Randy:
That's a cheerful thought.
Samantha:
This is Farmer Fred.
The Geek:
Ted.
Samantha:
Oh, I'm sorry, Farmer Ted.
The Geek:
I'm not really a farmer. I'm a freshman.
Jim Baker:
That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call them something else.
Jim Baker:
Why do you think you're a dork? I don't think you're a dork. I don't think Mom thinks you're a dork.
Samantha:
Mike thinks I'm a dork.
Jim Baker:
Mike is a dork.
Samantha:
I can't believe I gave my panties to a geek!
Jake:
I can get a piece of ass any time I want. Shit, I got Caroline in the bedroom right now, passed out cold. I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to.
The Geek:
What are you waiting for?
The Geek:
I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today would give their underwear to help a geek like me.
Long Duk Dong:
No more yankie my wankie. The Donger need food.
The Geek:
Can I borrow your underpants for 10 minutes?
The Geek:
Nice manners, babe.
Randy:
Geek, can I be honest with you?
The Geek:
Not if you're gonna insult me.
Randy:
[laughs] Ok.
The Geek:
Shoot.
Randy:
Get the hell outta here!
The Geek:
Just answer me one question.
Samantha:
Yes, you're a total faggot.
The Geek:
Ha ha ha. That's not the question.
Samantha:
Thanks for getting my undies back.
Jake:
Thanks for coming over.
Samantha:
Thanks for coming to get me.
Jake:
Happy Birthday, Samantha. Make a wish.
Samantha:
It already came true.
The Geek:
Relax, would you? We have seventy dollars and a pair of girls underpants. We're safe as kittens.
[on the phone to the police]
Howard:
What was he wearing? Well, uh, let's see, he was wearing a red argyle sweater, and tan trousers, and red shoes... No, he's not retarded.
Grandpa Fred:
Hey Howard, there's your Chinaman.
Howard:
Thanks Fred.
Jim Baker:
[to Samantha] I don't think I can sleep tonight if I don't think our little talk did some good. So... be a sport and lie to me, okay?
Grandpa Baker:
Dong! Where is my automobile?
Long Duk Dong:
Auto-mo-biiile?
Samantha:
I can't believe this they fucking forgot my birthday.
Ginny:
Darling is something bothering you?
[pause]
Ginny:
... you're acting like..and asshole. And I think I know what it is.I think you're jealous that I'm getting married and that I'm getting all the attention.
Samantha:
You know everyone in this family has gone total outer limits!
Ginny:
No Sam, I think you're just acting selfish and immature.
Samantha:
Oh yes that's it! That's exactly it!
Ginny:
[to herself] I can't believe it! You make someone a bridesmaid and they shit all over you!
Long Duk Dong:
Yoohoo! Sexy American Girlfriend!
Long Duk Dong:
What'sa happenin' hott-stuff?
Long Duk Dong:
Very clever dinner. Appetizing food fit neatly into interesting round pie.
Mike Baker:
It's a quiche.
Long Duk Dong:
How do you spell?
Grandpa Fred:
Well you don't spell it, son, you eat it!
Mike Baker:
What the hell are you bitchin' about? I gotta sleep under some Chinaman named after a duck's dork.
Long Duk Dong:
Oh sexy girlfriend!
Main Page