Quotes from
Smokey and the Bandit (1977)
Buford T. Justice:
Hey boy, where is Sheriff Branford at?
Sheriff Branford: I AM Sheriff Branford.
Buford T. Justice: Oh, pardon me. For some reason you sounded a little taller on radio.
Buford T. Justice: Let me have a diablo sandwich, a Dr. Pepper, and make it fast, I'm in a god-damn hurry.
Buford T. Justice: [with his mouth full of food] Bank robbing? [swallows his food] Bank robbing is baby shit.
Buford T. Justice: Much Obliged.
Buford T. Justice: What I owe?
Buford T. Justice: Thank ya, nice lady.
[referring to portly waitress]
Buford T. Justice: Nice ass.
Buford T. Justice: No Coozy is gonna leave me in no church. Decorating up a whole town, at the cost of forty dollars.
Junior: Right.
Buford T. Justice: I can see her now. Running back up that isle. No she was dancing back up the isle. Knockers bouncing all over joint. [slaps Junior's hand] Let go that wheel. Her ass was wiggling too.
Buford T. Justice: There's no way, no WAY that you came from my loins. [a brief pause] Soon as I get home, the first thing I'm gonna do is punch your momma in the mouth.
Buford T. Justice: I'm gonna barbecue your ass in molasses.
Buford T. Justice: And that's nothing but pure and simple old-fashioned communism. Happens every time one of those dancers starts poontangin' around with those show folk fags.
[Regarding The Bandit in a hammock]
Big Enos: Son, you're looking at a legend.
Little Enos: I guess a legend and an out-of-work bum look a lot a like, daddy.
Buford T. Justice: What the hell is the world coming to?
Buford T. Justice: You sum-bitches couldn't close an umbrella.
Buford T. Justice: What we're dealing with here is a complete lack of respect for the law.
Buford T. Justice: This is sheriff Buford T. Justice. I'm in pursuit of a black Trans Am. He's all mine so stay outta the way.
Buford T. Justice: But I'm in high speed pursuit. Don't you hear good?
Sheriff Branford: I hear perfectly. The fact that you are a sheriff is not germane to the situation.
Buford T. Justice: The god damn Germans got nothin' to do with it.
Junior: What'd he say?
Buford T. Justice: Shut up! One shit at a time!
Junior: All right.
Buford T. Justice: And don't go home, and don't go to eat, and don't play with yourself. It wouldn't look nice on my highway.
[after kicking one of the car thieves in the rear]
Buford T. Justice: That's an attention-getter.
Junior: My hat blew off, daddy.
Buford T. Justice: I hope your goddamn head was in it.
Buford T. Justice: Nobody...NOBODY makes Sheriff Buford T. Justice look like a possum's pecker.
Junior: Except for that...
Buford T. Justice: Shut your ass.
Buford T. Justice: Duck, or you'll be talkin' out your ass.
Bandit: Nice matching suits. It must have been a bitch to get a 69 Extra Fat and a 12 Dwarf.
Carrie: You know from the right side, you have a nice profile.
Bandit: Yeah, I know.
Carrie: Well, at least we have something in common.
Bandit: Yeah. We both like half of my face.
Buford T. Justice: You sum bitch. You did that on purpose. You're going away 'till you're gray. I got the evidence.
Bandit: What the hell was that?
Carrie: A left. Or a half a U.
Bandit: Now, you want me to drive to Texarkana, pick up 400 cases of Coors and come back in 28 hours. No problem.
Little Enos: It ain't never been done before, hot shit.
Bandit: You watch your mouth, little lady.
Little Enos: Well, if you can't do it...
Bandit: That's real good psychology. Why don't you say something bad about my mother?
Little Enos: Your momma is so ugly...
Carrie: I think I'm in love with your belt buckle.
Carrie: Don't you ever take off that stupid hat?
Bandit: I take my hat off for one thing, one thing only.
Carrie: Oh...
[beat]
Carrie: Take your hat off.
[Bandit looks stunned]
Carrie: I mean, If you want to...
Bandit: I want to.
Buford T. Justice: Just keep your eye out for that Mr. Bandit bastard!
Buford T. Justice: You want something?
Junior: Hush puppies, daddy.
Buford T. Justice: We don't got time for that crap! Dumb sumbitch!
Bandit: You must be in a hell of a hurry, huh, Sheriff?
Buford T. Justice: You bet your ass on that, boy.
Carrie: Actually, my heaviest relationship was with an acid-rock singer... named Robert Crumly. We were together, oh, eight-and-a-half days. God, I really thought that was it.
Bandit: And?
Carrie: One day, I came home and found him in the shower... with a girl... and her mother!
Bandit: Well, at least he kept it in the family.
Bandit: Cledus, get the money.
Cledus: Yeah, how 'bout the money?
Little Enos: How 'bout double or nothin'?
Cledus: How 'bout forgettin' it?
Bandit: Wait a minute. What about double or nothin'?
Little Enos: You run up to Boston, and bring back some clam chowder for me and my daddy.
Carrie: You're on.
Bandit: Uh, you're on.
Big Enos: In 18 hours?
Bandit: You're still on.
[Communicating through the C.B. radio]
Bandit: Sheriff, uh, Buford T. Justice, please.
Buford T. Justice: Who there?
Bandit: This is Bandit Darville talkin'.
Buford T. Justice: Where are you, you sombitch?
Bandit: Before I tell you where I am, Sheriff, there's just one thing I wanna say. You must be part coon dog, 'cause I've been chased by the best of them, and son, you make 'em look like they're all runnin' in slow motion. I just wanna say that.
Buford T. Justice: Well, thank you, Mr. Bandit. And as the pursuer, may I say you're the goddamnedest pursuee I've ever pursued. Now that the mutual bullshit is over, WHERE ARE YOU, YOU SOMBITCH?
Bandit: What do you think they do for excitement in this town?
Cledus Snow: Probably sit around and watch the cars rust.
Cledus Snow: Besides, I can't go with you. I got to go to Conyers in the morning and pick up a load of manure.
Bandit: Um, shitty job.
Cledus Snow: Atlanta to Texarkana and back in twenty eight hours? That ain't never been done before.
Bandit: That's cause *we* ain't never done it.
Cledus Snow: Suppose we don't make it?
Bandit: Hey, we ain't never not made it before, have we?
Bandit: I'm goin' to need a fast car.
[Watches as Little Enos begins counting out money]
Bandit: Faster than that.
Little Enos: I'd like to kick his ass just one time.
Waynette Snow: No, Bandit! Not this time! Cledus is not goin' with you! He got in enough trouble last time! Dammit, Bandit, look at me when I'm talking to you!
Bandit: I find it hard to look at you, Waynette. With all those curlers in your hair, you look like you're tryin' to pick up a radio station in Savannah.
[Bandit has just used a broken bridge to jump a river]
Carrie: That was great! I want to jump something else! I want to jump a car, or a house, anything!
Bandit: [still shaking] Then jump me!
Georgia State Trooper: [during the final chase, the motorcycle cop has landed in a ditch with water] Son, don't you know this ain't saturday?
Cledus Snow: [at the Coors warehouse in Texarkana] Hey, Bandit! It's only 6:30 in the mornin'; what time you think they open?
Bandit: [drives a forklift through the warehouse door] They're open now. Let's load up.
Cledus Snow: Bandit, what are we gonna do about all this beer we took?
Bandit: [Running to his car] Leave them a note and tell them to send the bill to Big Enos Burdette.
Cledus Snow: [writing a note] Send bill to Big Enos Burdette; B-i-r-d; B-u-r-d;
[sees Bandit take off]
Cledus Snow: Hell, I got to go
[leaves without finishing note]
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