Dale Doback:
Okay, here's the shot out of the cannon: Oprah, Barbara Walters, your wife. You gotta fuck one, marry one, kill one, go!
Dale Doback:
[as they are called back into the office for their first interview] We're here to fuck shit up!
Brennan Huff:
Robert better not get in my face... 'cause I'll drop that motherfucker!
Brennan Huff:
I'm going to take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you!
Derek:
So, what do we do now?
Brennan Huff:
We could hug?
Derek:
Yeah, you'd like that, you faggot!... I'm sorry, I'm new to this.
Brennan Huff:
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the balls!
Dale Doback:
[after hearing Brennan sing] You have the voice of an angel. Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus.
Brennan Huff:
I have a belly full of white dog crap in me, and now you lay this shit on me?
Brennan Huff:
This house is a fucking prison!
Dale Doback:
On Planet Bullshit!
Brennan Huff:
In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!
Dale Doback:
You and your mom are hilbillies. This is a house of learned doctors.
Brennan Huff:
You're not a doctor... you're a big, fat, curly-headed fuck!
Brennan Huff:
Shut your mouth. Sh-sh-shut your mouth.
Brennan Huff:
Eat shit, Derek.
Brennan Huff:
[in his therapist's fantasy] I've traveled five hundred miles to give my seed.
Brennan Huff:
I tea-bagged your drum set!
Brennan Huff:
This wedding is horse shit!
Dr. Robert Doback:
Rock the fuck out of those drums, Dale!
Alice:
Stay golden, Ponyboy.
Derek:
Brennan has a man-gina!
Dale Doback:
I manage a baseball team.
Nancy Huff:
Oh, little league?
Dale Doback:
Fantasy league.
Sporting Goods Manager:
[after Dale finishes his very prolonged fart] Was that a fart?
Dale Doback:
I don't know.
Sporting Goods Manager:
I can taste it. On my tongue.
Dale Doback:
Okay, I'll be honest with you. I did fart.
Sporting Goods Manager:
Is that onion? Onion and... Onion and ketchup.
Dale Doback:
It stinks. And this is a small room.
Brennan Huff:
Shit.
Sporting Goods Manager:
Okay. Now the tuxedos seem kind of fucked up.
Randy:
Pow!
Dale Doback:
Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good, got a luscious v of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes " Oh my god, I've had the old bull now I want the young calf" and she grabs me by the weiner.
Dr. Robert Doback:
Would you shut the fuck up!
Brennan Huff:
I'm so scared right now. I'm just gonna to do what's sensible, I'm gonna file for unemployment. Then I'm gonna try to get a job at Enterprise Rent-A-Car, because they got an excellent corporate structure and they... *they* give *you* the tools to be your own boss.
Dale Doback:
[while Brennan is singing] Boats and hoes!
Brennan Huff:
Holy Santa Claus Shit!
Brennan Huff:
[mowing lawn, dressed as Nazi] Hey Derek, sprechen sie dick?
Nancy Huff:
What the fucking fuck?
Dr. Robert Doback:
We're putting the house on the market.
Dale Doback:
Where are we moving?
Brennan Huff:
Is the house haunted?
Dale Doback:
Why are you so sweaty?
Brennan Huff:
I was watching Cops.
Brennan Huff:
Hey Derek, you know what's good for shoulder pain?
Derek:
What?
Brennan Huff:
If you lick my butt hole.
Dale Doback:
[Brennan is burying Dale in the garden] But I'm still alive!
Brennan Huff:
You're waking the neighbors! Shut up!
Alice:
I wanna roll you up into a little ball and shove you up my vagina.
Dale Doback:
The only reason you're living here is because me and my dad decided that your mom was really hot, and maybe we should just both bang her, and we'll put up with the retard in the meantime.
Dale Doback:
Look... we can bicker about this night, but what's done is done Dad. Are you guys going to invest or not?
Dr. Robert Doback:
That's it!
Denise:
Brennan, I thought you were incredibly brave. And I mean that in strictly the most clinical and professional sense possible, with no emotional, intimate, sexual, or any other undertones that you could possibly infer.
[about Robert]
Brennan Huff:
I'm not gonna call him Dad.
Nancy Huff:
Brennan, you're 39 years old. I wouldn't expect you to call him Dad.
Brennan Huff:
Well I'm not going to, *ever*! Even if there's a fire!
Dale Doback:
I'm just saying, you need to think about your options. I know you two are technically married but that does not mean that they have to live here.
Dr. Robert Doback:
Dale, I think it's time for a change. For both of us.
Dale Doback:
Dad, we're men. That means a few things - we like to shit with the door open, we talk about pussy, we go on riverboat gambling trips, and we make our own beef jerky. That's what we do, and now that is all wrecked.
[brief pause]
Dr. Robert Doback:
We literally have never done any of those things.
Dr. Robert Doback:
You jagaloons! You're failures! FAILURES!
Brennan Huff:
Hey, you're embarrassing yourself, you geriatric fuck!
Nancy Huff:
Brennan.
Brennan Huff:
Two things: You keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother. She's a saint! And then you sit down and you write Dale and Brennan a check for $10,000.
Nancy Huff:
Oh, stop it! Stop it right...
Brennan Huff:
Or I'm gonna shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass...
Nancy Huff:
Brennan!
Brennan Huff:
...you can hear the sound of your small intestine as it produces shit!
Randy:
[to Brennan] I don't know what it is about your face,
[holds up fist]
Randy:
but I just wanna deliver one of these right in your suck hole.
Brennan Huff:
I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins.
Nancy Huff:
You dont know anyone named Johnny Hopkins.
Brennan Huff:
It was Johnny Hopkins, and Sloan Kettering, and they were blazin that shit up everyday.
Dale Doback:
Boats and hoes!
Brennan Huff:
Listen, I know that we started out as foe. But after that courageous act that you showed me against the one they call Derek, maybe someday we could become friends. Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds, shooting flaming arrows across the bridge of Hemdale.
Dale Doback:
I would follow you into the mists of Avalon if that's what you mean.
Nancy Huff:
[Brennan and Dale are sleeping, Nancy walks in to wake them up] Guys. Guys. Guys!
Brennan Huff:
[Both guys wake up and quote last line from their dreams] I'll kill you, Leonard Nimoy.
Dale Doback:
The clown has no penis.
Dale Doback:
[referring to him and Brennan geting beat up by kids, while crying] You know that one scene in The Wizard Of Oz... when the flying monkeys pull apart the scarecrow? That's what it was like.
Dale Doback:
Hey man. Did you touch my drumset?
Brennan Huff:
[Brennan nods his head]
Brennan Huff:
Nope.
Dale Doback:
It's just weird, 'cause, it seems like someone definitely touched my drumset.
Brennan Huff:
Yeah, that is weird, 'cause I didn't touch 'em.
Dale Doback:
[Dale throws Brennan's feet off the couch]
Brennan Huff:
Hey!
Dale Doback:
[angrily] Did you touch my drumset?
Brennan Huff:
Hey, knock it off!
Dale Doback:
I know you touched my drumstick, 'cause the left one has a chip in it.
Brennan Huff:
Are you fucking crazy, man? You sound insane. Do you realize that? You should be medicated.
Dale Doback:
Fuck you Brennan! I know you touched my drumset, and I wanna hear that dirty little mouth admit it.
Brennan Huff:
Get out of my face, or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass!
Dale Doback:
You swear on your mom's life that you didn't touch it then!
Brennan Huff:
I don't have to swear to shit!
Dale Doback:
That's 'cause you fucking touched my drumset! 'Cause I know COPS doesn't start 'till 4:00!
Brennan Huff:
[Brennan begins to leave the room]
Dale Doback:
Where you going?
Brennan Huff:
I'm going upstairs... 'cause I'm gonna put my nutsack, on your drumset! Okay?
[Brennan continues to walk upstairs towards his drumset]
Dale Doback:
If you do that - I'm warning you, right now! If you touch my drums, I will stab you, in the neck, with a knife!
Nancy Huff:
You yelled "rape" at the top of your lungs.
Brennan Huff:
Mom, I honestly thought I was gonna be raped for a second. He had the craziest look in his eyes. And at one point he said, "Lets get it on."
Dale Doback:
That was about the fighting. I am so not a raper!
Brennan Huff:
Look, I didn't touch your drum set, okay?
Dale Doback:
I witnessed with my eyes your testicles touching my drum set.
[Dale and Brennan are in beds next to each other]
Dale Doback:
[whispering] Hey, you awake?
Brennan Huff:
[also whispering] Yeah.
Dale Doback:
I just want you to know I hate you. And so does my dad.
Brennan Huff:
Well that's fine. Cause guess what? I hate you too. And this house sucks ass.
Dale Doback:
Well the only reason you're living here, is because me and my dad decided that your mom was really hot, and maybe we should just both bang her, and we'll put up with the retard in the meantime.
Brennan Huff:
Who's the retard?
Dale Doback:
You.
Brennan Huff:
[raising his voice] Hey ya'll don't say that!
Dale Doback:
Shut up! You'll wake up my dad and get me grounded.
Brennan Huff:
Just shut up!
Dale Doback:
You and your mom are hilbillies. This is a house of learned doctors.
Brennan Huff:
You're not a doctor... you're a big, fat, curly-headed fuck!
Dale Doback:
[Dale turns his face to Brennan] Oh yeah?
Brennan Huff:
[Brennan turns his face to Dale] Yeah.
Dale Doback:
I'm a curly-headed fuck?
Brennan Huff:
Yeah. You better not go to sleep, cause as soon as your eyes shut I'm gonna punch you square in the face.
Dale Doback:
I hope you stay still when you sleep, cause I'm gonna put a rat trap between your legs.
Brennan Huff:
I'm going to take a pillowcase, and fill it full of bars of soap, and beat the shit out of you.
[Dale turns away from Brennan]
Dale Doback:
I want you out of my fucking house!
Denise:
So, I thought we'd begin talking about your parents' divorce.
Brennan Huff:
Okay.
Denise:
How old were you when they got divorced?
Brennan Huff:
Fifteen.
Denise:
That's a hard age.
Brennan Huff:
Yes. Yeah.
Denise:
Do you want to talk about some of those feelings?
Brennan Huff:
I love you.
Denise:
Obviously... you don't know me.
Brennan Huff:
I love you so much.
Denise:
Thank you, and I will take that as a feeling that you have of... comfortability with me.
Brennan Huff:
It's more than comfortability. I mean, I fuckin' love you.
Denise:
Okay, I... think...
Brennan Huff:
I'm just thinking about our life together. I feel like I'm walking on a cloud. My penis is tingling right now.
Denise:
That is so... off-putting.
Brennan Huff:
You're not feeling this?
Denise:
In no way, shape, or form do I feel any feelings of intimacy towards you in any way whatsoever.
Dale Doback:
Dad, what are you doing? It's Shark Week.
Brennan Huff:
You know what? I still hate you, but you got a pretty awesome collection of nudie mags.
Dale Doback:
Yeah, I got 'em from the 70's, 80's and 90's. It's like masturbating in a time machine.
Dale Doback:
On the count of three, name your favorite dinosaur. Don't even think about it. Just name it. Ready? One, two, three.
Dale Doback, Brennan Huff:
Velociraptor.
Brennan Huff:
Favorite non-pornographic magazine to masturbate to.
Dale Doback, Brennan Huff:
Good Housekeeping.
Brennan Huff:
If you were a chick, who's the one guy you'd sleep with?
Dale Doback, Brennan Huff:
John Stamos.
Dale Doback:
[stomps foot] What?
Brennan Huff:
Did we just become best friends?
Dale Doback:
Yep!
[they high five each other]
Brennan Huff:
Do you wanna do karate in the garage?
Dale Doback:
Yep!
Brennan Huff:
[Putting nutsack on Dale's drumset] John Bonham playing Moby Dick for real.
Dale Doback:
Hey Brenden
Brennan Huff:
Good to see ya Dale.
Dale Doback:
Thanks for hiring our catering company.
Brennan Huff:
Easy decision. You guys have an outstanding track record.
Dale Doback:
[looks around and sighs] This is like old times huh?
Brennan Huff:
Ah, it really is!
Brennan Huff:
You still have your night vision goggles?
Dale Doback:
No, no. No, I had to sell those to pay for car insurance... How about you? You still kickin' boards or breakin' holes in pumpkins or anything?
Brennan Huff:
No... but I did start taking baby aspirin. To reduce my risk for heart attack.
Dale Doback:
That makes sense. You gotta keep an eye on it.
Brennan Huff:
You really do.
Dale Doback:
Gotta knock off the sweets!
[laughs]
Brennan Huff:
Thank you!
[laughs as well]
Brennan Huff:
That's a tr- that's a truly funny observation!
Dale Doback:
[finishes laughing] Yeah.
Dale Doback:
We're in the bathroom!
Alice:
This'll just take a minute. There's really little you can do about it. Let me just hop on.
[suddenly opens his pants and mounts him against the wall]
Dale Doback:
It's all slippery!
Dale Doback:
Why do you have Randy Jackson's autograph on a samurai sword?
Brennan Huff:
Cause I bumped into him and all I had on me was this samurai sword... And you're not gonna not get Randy Jackson's autograph, Right?
Dale Doback:
I would've done the exact same thing.
Male Therapist:
So, Dale. I don't know how much you know about therapy, but it usually starts by you telling me a little something about yourself.
Dale Doback:
I work at a college as a janitor even though I feel like I'm smarter than most of the people who go there. Sometimes I see an equation written on a blackboard like half an equation and... I just figure it out.
Male Therapist:
Is this Good Will Hunting?
Dale Doback:
No.
Male Therapist:
It sounds alot like the plot of good will hunting.
Dale Doback:
Yeah. Anyway. My best friend is Ben Affleck...
